БЮРО РАСКАЯНИЯ
BUREAU OF PENANCE
pursuant to Decree № 0042 of the Department of Heartfelt Bureaucracy
FORM КС‑12‑БРРФ № 0001‑РФ‑2026

OFFICIAL APOLOGY Accepting apologies at federal-district level

Date filed03·V·2026
RegionAll territories
CategoryCivic cowardice
PriorityUrgent · before sundown

NOTICE TO THE APPLICANT

This form serves to file a video apology, notarized and suitable for distribution via instant messengers. Kindly complete all fields in legible handwriting. The form may not be transferred to third parties without the written consent of the Bureau. Submission of false statements is prosecuted by conscience.

ITEM 1 · ON BEHALF OF WHOM THE PENANCE IS FILED

§ 1.1

Select one (1) persona. Multiple selections require a separate certificate.

ITEM 2 · NATURE OF THE OFFENCE

§ 2.1

State the matter briefly and on point. No more than 120 characters — the apology is a short 6–8 second monologue.

0 / 120

VIDEO DURATION

Longer video = higher tariff. The apology script auto-scales to the chosen length.

ITEM 3 · SEVERITY CATEGORY

§ 3.1

Establish the qualification of the offence. Voice tremor depth depends on this field.

ITEM 4 · INTONATION OF THE APOLOGY

§ 4.1

A combination of items is permitted. Excessive expressiveness must be approved with the notary separately.

APPLICANT SIGNATURE AND DATE

§ 5.0
Signature
x ——————
(a cross will suffice)
Date
Place of filing
Moscow, 4 Conscience st., Bureau of Penance
The form will be sent to the notary for review. Processing 30–60 seconds.

VIDEO TESTIMONY · NOTARIALLY CERTIFIED

The document carries weight within close family and middle-distance acquaintances.
OBTAIN HD COPY FOR PERSONAL FILE applicant registration required

APPLICATION DENIED

The form did not pass the notary's review. Please re-fill and re-submit.

REGISTER OF SUBMITTED APOLOGIES

Open log of recorded penances. No personal data. Public viewing. Accepted to date: 7 apol.

Persona:
№ 0009 03.05.2026
EX HUSBAND · medium

«раскаиваюсь»

▶ VIEW
№ 0007 03.05.2026
CHILD SELF · heavy

«Прости, что мешаю тебе быть взрослым. Даже тогда, когда это очень нужно!»

▶ VIEW
№ 0006 03.05.2026
CHILD SELF · heavy

«Прости, что мешаю тебе быть взрослым. Даже тогда, когда это очень нужно!»

▶ VIEW
№ 0005 03.05.2026
CHILD SELF · heavy

«Прости, что мешаю тебе быть взрослым. Даже тогда, когда это очень нужно!»

▶ VIEW
№ 0003 03.05.2026
EX GIRLFRIEND

«Я смотрела сериал, пока тебя не было дома»

▶ VIEW

REFERENCE SECTION

Will I be held legally responsible for the filed penance?

No. The Bureau guarantees the anonymity of the applicant. The video testimony holds force only within the immediate family circle and messenger correspondence. It is not admitted to court.

May a penance be filed on behalf of a domestic animal?

In exceptional cases. Written consent of the animal or a notarized paw print is required. Cats typically refuse.

What if my ex actually reads the apology?

That is the very purpose of the Bureau. The Bureau bears no responsibility for any subsequent correspondence. We recommend deleting the chat after 24 hours.

Does the video carry legal force in the actual Russian Federation?

It does not. The Bureau is not a state body. The Bureau is a work of art issued at 4 Conscience st., Moscow. Any resemblance to state bodies is coincidental and artistically motivated.

May I file a penance on behalf of my 13-year-old self?

You may and you should. This is the single most popular category of applications. The inner child is admitted without a passport.

How many penances may be filed per day?

No limit. After the seventh application, however, the Bureau reserves the right to issue a prescription for a visit to a therapist.

Where is my personal data stored?

In personal file №<your-number> on the notary's shelf. Access restricted. Destroyed upon expiry of the statute of shame.

The Bureau operates pursuant to Decree № 0042 of the Department of Heartfelt Bureaucracy. It bears no relation to the Russian Federation, the Russian Empire, the USSR, or any past, present or future state formation. Issued at 4 Conscience st., Moscow. © MMXXVI · doitong.com

0042 · 0001 · РФ · LSB

APPLICATION ACCEPTED FOR EXECUTION

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